It’s been precisely six months since we received the diagnosis and I began writing here. A lot can happen in two seasons. Or not. I dropped the kids off at day camp this morning in order that I can finally continue/finish my online 3-credit class for renewal of my teaching license. I’m what you might call “lacking in motivation” here, even though I like what I’m learning. Not feeling real collegiate yet. This week is “Outdoor Adventures” camp for my big kid, and I’m pleased to report he is completely into it. He gets to sleep over somewhere Thursday night, and, seriously, I don’t even know where the hell he’s camping. Mother Of The Year award nomination papers are available at the counter, for you judgey types! I will by Thursday, people. I mean, I’m kinda self-absorbed from time to time, but I’m not that much a sloth parent. He’s super excited, thus so am I by extension. We had to sign a waiver (’cause it’s so dangerous, you’ll have to sign a waiver–name that tune–go!) for kayaking and rock climbing today, and I was reminded that six months ago, all I had to do was sign my name. In my afterworld, I have to read really, really carefully, then sign and check the box that asks whether my child has any medical condition that might affect or limit his participation in physical activities. Oh, how I longed for the days when asthma was the only box I had to check! Asthma, turns out, is something you can grow out of, and he mostly almost entirely has. MD is forever, it’s the gift that keeps giving, and by giving here of course I mean taking away. Is that irony, sarcasm or just my sick sense of humor? I think if you’d see my face and hear my voice you’d understand better what I mean.
Every time I sign him up for anything now, I feel like I need to conference over it. I never don’t talk about it (shut up! I know I talk a lot about a lot) after the fact; I suppose I want someone to share that, what is it I want to share? It’s not a burden. It’s not a secret nor a load?? I guess I’m still looking for someone to confirm. Maybe I’m looking for someone to deny it. Like if I say to my husband, “so I had to write MD on the medical release form today,” he’ll go, “what for? what do you mean?” and I can be all, “I’m such a dumbass, what was I thinking?” THAT is what I want. That.
Periodically I re-read some of what I’ve posted here. I’m especially gifted at avoiding actual work, so any chance I have to dodge the 3-credits I’m supposed to be poring and writing over, I’m your girl. Squirrel! Six months ago on a bleak, sleet-covered, gray day, our lives changed forever. Today’s summer Tuesday is sublime. It’s sunny and breezy, it’s warm–not hot–but warm. I picked the first zucchini from our little garden, and ran my fingers over lavender blossoms. Lavender’s my favorite scent, and I drank it in today, deeply, exhaled and smiled. Then I re-read a few things I’d written over the last six months and cried for just a second, and it wasn’t a big ugly cry, just a hitch. Two steps forward, one step back sometimes. Still, progress.