Divinely (Un)Inspired

I’ve put off developing this post for quite some time. I recently enrolled in Blogging U’s Blogging 101 course, so naturally this is when I hit my first real writer’s block.  I don’t know why I’m surprised.  If I’m being completely honest with you, I’m not surprised.  Because I’m a good student, and exceptionally compliant when it comes to deadlines and expectations, I’m annoyed, sure, but surprised?  Nope.  I fully anticipated that having specified writing tasks would deliver me to this very moment: the moment when my brain decides to go all “meh” on me.  This is why I’ve avoided it til now.  ‘Cause I’m intuitive like that.

Today’s assignment is to identify your audience, and to publish a post you’d like your ideal audience member to read.  I’ve had the un-freaking-believable good fortune to have had two of my idols read pieces I’ve written, but I don’t write for them exactly.  I have a handful of readers and friends who follow me here because blogging’s quite an efficient vehicle for checking in.  But I’m not sure I have an audience, a type, and I’m vexed as I ponder this.  So I’m supposed to pick one person to write for tonight, and no, it’s not YOU.  Geez, get over yourself, y’all, and don’t read too much into this, m’kay?  No, it’s really not you, and you will just have to trust me on this.

I’ve had an inner pretend dialog going for a really long time.  I alluded to it some time ago in a post I wrote about the wonderful/terrible things people say to you when they learn your child has a super shitty disease.   I am not a religious person; the Catholic church and I broke up when I divorced my first husband.  I didn’t get how spending a couple hundred bucks and having three people vouch for me on some affidavit could result in a proclamation stating my marriage never existed.  Oh, that shit was real, people, bad shit happened.  Having survived it was something of a badge of honor, so I couldn’t get behind the sweeping it under the carpet for cash system.  YES, absolutely, I am minimizing, and YES, I know it’s not that simple.  Even I am not that big a creep, but the concept of annulment in the twenty-first century was the deal breaker for me.  And plus, let’s be honest, I was totally on birth control because 1) I had really bad acne and it was supposed to help, 2) female issues, and–brace yourselves here–3) I had sex before I was married. *gasp!*  AND I ate meat on Fridays once in awhile.  I was never exactly what they were looking for anyway because I lean pretty much toward the left side of most arguments, but for a period of time in my young adulthood, I did enjoy going to mass, contemplating the priest’s homily and being part of the fellowship, if not the rules of Catholicism.  The golden rule is a damn good one, but my experience with religions has been that mine is better than yours, you’re wrong and I’m right, and there’s exclusion along with inclusion in equal measure.  Maybe more.

There are a million, billion things I cannot explain.  I’m not saying there isn’t some higher power out there pulling strings and creating events, putting people, myself included, where he/she decides we should be.  I’m not so arrogant to think I know more than the universe.  I’m a smart cookie, but I’m the teensiest cog in the machine.  Infinitesimally sub-teensy at that.  I’m wise enough to know that I’ll never know how much I don’t know.  I’m just some girl from Milwaukee.  Just some girl who doesn’t believe that showing up in a beautiful church on Sunday renders anyone a better or worse human person.

I have friends who find tremendous joy and are provided great comfort from their bibles and their churches.  I know some of the best examples of the human species the earth has to offer–I am so damn lucky to call these people my friends–but I just never felt that electric a connection with a church.  Not like that.  I’m flip about some things (yeah, see previous paragraphs for examples), but I’m not flip about others’ beliefs.  Church and God matter to people, and I’d never tear that down, but I’ve never bathed in that same light.  A part of me wishes I shared that faith, that devotion.  A wonderful friend of mine’s rabbi says a prayer for my son every week.  I wept when she told me she requested this for our family, and I ugly-cried when she went home that evening.  Her faith is so essential to her being, and she brought us into her circle.  I will never be able to thank her properly.  It would be so great to think that a power–God, a god, someone, something, anything–had the capacity to FIX FUCKING MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.  Some days I think it would be a dream come true to have the kind of devout belief that removes control from our earthly hands.  But I just don’t believe the meme–

Soooooooooo. . .  my inner dialog.  If God/a god is responsible for everything, including healing all illness, doesn’t it follow, or more accurately, doesn’t it come first, that a god/God causes it all?  You hear people say, “What kind of god allows (insert tragic event, accident or illness here) to happen?” all the time when a tragic event, accident or illness occurs.  I don’t think a god wants tragedy any more than I think some higher power wanted my son to have MD–he was an eleven-year-old boy when diagnosed–MD is certainly nothing he deserved nor is it some type of punishment.  I don’t think a higher power wants convenience store clerks to get held up at gunpoint.  I don’t think a higher power wanted Carolina to lose the Superbowl, and I don’t think people choose poverty.  You hear people say they’re mad at God for making something happen or denying something else.  I don’t blame God for MD and I don’t think a god can fix it; it just is.

All this mess is a draft in consideration of today’s homework, “Who’s my audience?”  So who is it?  I think maybe my audience is small, so small, I think it’s an n of one.  Maybe my entire audience consists of one mom, the mom of one really terrific 12-year-old kid.

 

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14 thoughts on “Divinely (Un)Inspired

  1. I struggle with this as well as I have been disabled for many years myself and have a son who is autistic. I cling to the idea that God as a parent sometimes says no to our prayers. He’s got a plan for us and doesn’t always let us know what it is.

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    • Having a child with special needs is a challenge no one but you understands, as his full time parent. I wish you and your son the best–I’m a speech-language pathologist, so I have academic knowledge about autism, but I wouldn’t dare say I know what it’s like for you. I will say that there is so much more information available now than there has been, and there are many more available resources than ever (depending on where you live). Sometimes it would be nice to be let in the plan though, wouldn’t it?? 🙂 All my best–

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  2. I have discovered in this blogging world that you never know who will be interested in what you have to share. Someone or someMANY may come around here for a visit.:0). Be encouraged. You are not alone on this journey. Thanks for sharing!

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    • What a beautiful thing to say–all I have in reply is thank you. Sincerely, thank you. And yes, please share. Absolutely. A fellow blogger friend once wrote that if anyone can get something out of one, single word she’d written, then it was all worth it. I wholeheartedly agree.

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  3. Having a child with special needs is a challenge no one but you understands, as his full time parent. I wish you and your son the best–I’m a speech-language pathologist, so I have academic knowledge about autism, but I wouldn’t dare say I know what it’s like for you. I will say that there is so much more information available now than there has been, and there are many more available resources than ever (depending on where you live). Sometimes it would be nice to be let in the plan though, wouldn’t it?? 🙂 All my best–

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  4. Hey, it’s Ginger. I started following your blog a few weeks ago and I like hearing your voice and your honesty. We don’t know one another all that well, but I feel that I know you much better from reading your blog. I usually read but don’t comment because I don’t feel that I have anything to add, or I don’t have time to compose what I want to say or whatever… But you need to know that you’re not just shouting into the void when you’re expressing yourself here. We hear you and think of you more than you know.

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  5. Wow, that’s a powerful blog, you have a great writing style. I’m not a mom, so your audience of ‘n’ just became ‘n+1’. I think you might appeal to a much broader audience writing like that so keep it going. Really.

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    • Wow, right back. Thank you so much for such kind feedback, Andy. Sometimes I feel like a post is OK, sometimes I feel like I’m hitting the mark, and sometimes I have no idea what will stick, so I appreciate reading comments like yours. I’m definitely going to keep going! Writing = sanity-saving (at least I think so–I’m not sure everyone shares my opinion). 🙂

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  6. I believe you hit the ball out of the park on writing for your audience. If it is for you, you will also find others that you strike as well. This was so powerful I could feel the strength of the hurt and pain you have gone through in your life. We each have a journey and a story to tell. I wish I could give you a hug. Keep searching, you will find comfort and answers that you don’t expect for questions you may not have even asked yet.

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    • What a terrific compliment–thank you so much. I’ll take the vitrual blog hug every single time one’s offered, so thanks! Someone here once told me that writing what’s authentically me will lead my audience to me, and I think it’s true. I stopped wondering who would “get it” and just wrote what came to me, regardless of who I imagined was reading it. It’s much better (and I think easier) this way. Looking forward to reading more from you too!

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