I Actually Said These Words in This Order

This morning’s installment of “Conversations I’d Previously Never Even Remotely Imagined,” alternately known as, “Sentence Constructions Never Thought Possible Until I Had Children”, began with a 7:08 AM news blast from my smirky big kid:

Big Kid:  “Hey mom,  E (little bro) came up with a name for a new baseball team, the Detroit Dildos. Hee hee hee hee hee hee.  What do you think?”

Me: “Do you have any idea what that means?” (Please read with tone of incredulity here)

Big Kid: “Uh, ummm, no, not really.”  (Less smirky now)

Me (to my little kid): “Do you know what that means?”

Little kid: “Cameron told me it had something to do with human growth and development.”

Me: (to both)  “I would suggest not using that word until you have at least passing acquaintance with its meaning.”

Little Kid (intoned as a challenge):  “Well, what do you think it means, Mom?”

And right here is where you get about two seconds, little more, to weigh every, single possible angle, point and counterpoint, truth and gradation of truth, just enough vs. too much information, and oh-shit-they’re-gonna-tell-their-friends-as-soon-as-they-hit-the-playground. . .  But you’re a parent who believes in facts over vaguery with just enough science sprinkled on top.  So you say:  “You really want to know?”

Big and Little Kid (loudly, in unison, eyes agog):  “Yeeeaaaah.”

Me:  “It’s a large, plastic or rubber replica of a penis.”

Little Kid: “What?  Who would want that?  What do you do with that?”

Me:  “Right?”  (Sometimes adding little means adding exactly enough to propel the conversation.)

Little Kid:  “I know that girls have different private parts than boys do because girls don’t have penises.”

Me:  “That is true.”

Little Kid:  “Yeah, girls also have these (waving his hand over his chest), and sometimes they’re super big, but sometimes they’re not, like yours.”

Me:  “Thanks for noticing.” (Really, my tone here was Oscar-worthy)

Little Kid:  “I know what girl private parts are called.  But I’ll get in trouble for saying it. But I won’t name my baseball team for it.”

Me:  “Solid choice there, Elvis.  You won’t get in trouble for saying it.  It’s not a naughty word, it’s a body word, it’s science, but sometimes kids feel weird talking about it, so they make stuff up and giggle a lot.”  PS–Elvis is not his real name, just a nickname.  I’m a music girl, but yeah, no.

Little Kid:  Bwaaaaaahahahahahaha

Me:  “You want to say it?”

Little Kid:  Bwaaaaaaaahahahahaha

Me:  “Are you having cold lunch today?”

I’m not quite sure this goes in the win column, but this morning’s outing sure doesn’t count as a loss either, people.  I feel like I packed in a full day’s work before I even applied mascara.  This life actually happens to me, and not infrequently.  Sometimes being the only girl in a houseful of boys is lonely, and sometimes it’s deliriously funny.  It’s almost always exhausting.  And joyful.  And heartbreaking.  And euphoric.  And perfectly imperfect.  No matter what, you keep your shit together though because you’re the only one who can–you’re the mom!

Upon further review, ending the conversation abruptly with the day’s lunch options might not have been an optimal closing, given how we started.  I would have loved to crawl back into bed, snuggle up with my goofball for either a serious mother-son talk about well-chosen, scholarly vocab choices vs. potty-talk (he doesn’t know what sex is, so I wouldn’t mess him up for life with sexual euphemisms quite yet, I mean he’s in fourth grade with a lexicon bursting with fart and burp references) or a semi-to-not-very-serious “let’s come up with other more appropriate inappropriate team names” giggle-fest.  I hear the Burlington Buttcracks have a real up-and-comer ace reliever in their bullpen.



25 thoughts on “I Actually Said These Words in This Order

    • Just call me a modern day June Cleaver! Except I swear a lot more than June would ever dream šŸ™‚ My boys are nuts, and I mean that in the most affectionate way–they are awesome! Thank you so much for saying something nice.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Good save, huh? That made me smile for sure! Good luck in your own world flying solo! I do love those nuts and wouldn’t have it any other way. Well, maybe a little less smelly and crude just once in a while would be nice! So glad you enjoyed.


  1. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. When they are ready, Lily made up a song for boobies (just last night actually). Goes along the line of “Mommy has boobies…Daddy has boobies….Mia has boobies and so do I!” Then it ends with jump in the air and a very loud “BOOBIES!” one more time. Just incase you didn’t get what the song was about the first time. She sang it with such enthusiasm and was so proud I didn’t know what to do. So I laughed. Then I told my husband, “Hey husband…listen to this! HA HA! You can handle it.”

    Dildo. HA HA HA!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha ha ha I loved reading this šŸ˜‚ I actually laughed out loud. My son is 10 months old so I have a few years before I have these types of conversations – I admire how you handled it! šŸ™‚ I hope I can be as direct while still being funny! Kids are great aren’t they. Ha ha. Great blog post šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Versatile Blogger Award Nomination – Beyond Mummy

    • Well, holy crap, what an incredible thing to do! Thank you, Joanne–I will respond properly tomorrow morning, but couldn’t go to bed before saying thank you. I’ve got a goofy grin on my goofy face because of you. I am loving the blog world more by the moment!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This just made my day – I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile. I’ll admit I’ve gotten some tough questions from the girls – but nothing quite like this yet šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I’m so glad I made you laugh! Thanks for telling me so! Yeah, their dad never gets any of the hard questions, but I always end up with the better stories. I guess that’s some kind of parenting victory, right? It’s something anyway!


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