I received a voicemail today informing me there was a warrant out for my arrest, and all of my personal assets were in danger and being surveilled. I was instructed to call (360) 562-9305 immediately to sort out the details of my case. It sounded all super official and stuff, what with the robotic voice message. Seriously people, you need to work on your subterfuge. You earn an F- for authenticity.
I was having a heavy hearted day today, feeling melancholy because I had let a few people down due to issues consistent with my diagnosis of DRS (don’t remember shit). I can’t actually be certain that it’s my memory which is entirely at fault. It could be my distractedness or just the fact that I’m juggling too many balls up in the air trying to be all things to all people. FYI, failing. In any event, I was feeling sad, surly and sassy, so I called them back.
What the hell, right? I did not appreciate their intrusion on my phone, granted I let it go to voicemail, still, I know no one from Longview, Washington and was pretty sure it was a scam. Scratch that, I was 100% sure it was a scam. I feel like if there were a warrant out for my arrest, law enforcement’s effort would’ve been a wee bit more personal. Plus I lead a nearly puritanical life, and have never done one single thing that would get me in trouble with the law. Breaking the speed limit excepted.
Being no fool, I used the office phone to inquire about my alleged dalliance with the law. See, I’m innocent until proven guilty, so it’s all alleged for now. Ain’t no way I was going to call them back from my actual phone. It was right after lunch and a few coworkers were around. I so enjoy an audience!
Me: Yeah, hi, I got a message from you saying there’s a warrant for my arrest. Can you help me out with that?
Dude on Other End (speaking from what could only be characterized as a call center, based on the amount of background noise): Oh, um, yes, what is your phone number?
Me: I’m not giving you my phone number. You called me.
Dude on Other End: I said CASE NUMBER, not phone number. Fuck you! Why are you calling me? Stop calling me you fucking asshole! Stop calling me.
Me: Cracking up as I laid the phone back in the cradle.
Defensive Dude on the Other End: *click*
Looks like my 3-episode arc on Orange Is The New Black has been postponed.
It gives me tremendous pause to know that these kind of scams are effective. What kind of people prey upon innocents who’d fall for this? If there wasn’t some payout, they wouldn’t continue to do it. Sometimes you suck, humanity, you really do. OK, I called back for sport. Sometimes I suck too.