Awake And Alone

I rarely sleep in, even on a holiday weekend, and even when I desperately want to. A lovely upside to my special brand of insomnia is the solitude I cherish being the only one awake in a whisper-still house.  Deep thoughts run laps in my head as I walk laps with Caleb the Wonderdog or just sit, flipping through the morning news rag sipping black coffee.  We all know I’m no philosopher, more a random musings kind of girl. Here’s this morning’s dose of The Space Between Wendy’s Ears, developed as I dodged raindrops.  Even I’m unable to find the thread that binds these thoughts, and it’s from my neurons (mis)firing that they came.

You think it will be magical having several different species of birds nest in your pergola. And it is. Until several species of bird shit all over your patio furniture. And your grill. And your sweatshirt.

Even with contacts in, I can barely see my face in the mirror.  Just exactly how am I going to apply makeup for the second half of my lifetime?

How many more days of school do we have?  Twelve?  Thirteen??  Eleventy hundred??

Why does anomia strike at the most inopportune moment?  Most people never get to meet their idols.  I’ve met mine several times, still struck starry-eyed and never taken for granted, but my “Hi, I’m clever and not a complete loser” banter batting average is around .333.  Now, in baseball for reals, .333 represents consistency and excellent performance.  In talking with famous musicians, it’s close to epic fail.  Don’t ever ask your favorite singer how his “thing, um, knee, um, you know” is.  He’s a guy, and “thing” well, you can imagine. . .  and for the record, the Password is ACL.  Following up with, “I’m just gonna go over here and kill myself” is an entirely appropriate response.  Fortunately, my favorite singer has a sense of humor.  And by now they all probably recognize me for the idiot I am.  What I meant to say is Tyler, Jim, Ed, Kevin–thank you for taking the time after the show to talk with me.  Though my nervous chatter is random and sometimes cringe-worthy, you are professional and kind and funny, and you wouldn’t have to be.

Speaking of my favorite band, Barenaked Ladies, all of you, this one’s for you:  Most of my friends are going on The Rock Boat cruise with you next winter.  OK, super cool for you all, and yeah, given the choice, I’d cruise to the tropics mid-winter too.  But for those of us whose work does not allow time off except for summer?  I’d like to suggest a summer band camp as a cruise alternate.  Or a both/and.  Just throwin’ that out there.  Also, we’ll need to do something about the bugs.  The plan’s in its infancy obviously.

How many second and third jobs will I need to take on in order to feed these boys who refuse to stop growing?  My “little” one is taller than me now.  He’s eleven.

My dog is an ass.  He’s also riotously distracting, and I love his squishy face more each day.  Last night we were watching Vacation, and I just wanted to flip a couple hands of solitaire during the commercials.  My husband, not a skilled videographer, recorded this:

I’ve tried to cut down on artificial sweeteners because I saw an article on Facebook about the holes these chemicals leave in people’s grey matter.  I need all the help I can get these days, you guys.  Do I stay thin-ish or smart-ish?  That is the question.

Related:  Facebook is probs not the most reliable source of vetted, scientific research.

Also related:  The damage is done, sister.  You are not as smart as you once were.

When a day begins overcast and stormy, it should remain dark for the entire 24 hours (unless I’m going to an outdoor concert, in which case I will OCD-level monitor weather.com every three minutes until it returns the sunshine I need to see in the forecast).  On the average day, I’m disappointed when the weather clears though.  Half empty?  Half full?  Not sure what that says about my personality.

I really need to drag my butt to the store and get a new swimsuit top this weekend.

I really hope the bunnies don’t eat the pea shoots sprouting up.  After all these years, I totally get why Farmer McGregor was so passionate.

God, our yard sucks.  We KILL at snow removal, but the summer months don’t quite balance that equation.

How in fresh hell does a motorist lose control to such a degree that he lodges his car into a poor someone’s house 4 feel off the ground??  This is my life every day as I drive through the city for work.  Well, trying to avoid this is my life in the city everyday.


I definitely do not look forward to my son’s semi-annual neurology appointment Tuesday.  Twenty bucks says it’s cloudy and rainy.  It has been cloudy and rainy or snowy every single time I’ve strode through the doors of the Children’s Hospital Neurology Clinic.  And as I’ve established, it had better stay that way all day.  See above.

I cry over neurology appointments, but still have my sons around to complain about.  It’s Memorial Day weekend, and I crumble inside when people say, “Happy Memorial Day!”  It’s not a happy occasion; it is one more appropriately marked with solemnity and remembrance.  Thank you to the men and women whose very lives were sacrificed in service so that, among other things, I can ramble here on the internet.  And to your families?  Strength, peace, and only the warmest, happiest memories of your loved ones.  I cannot imagine a world without my children inhabiting it with me. Your hearts beat more strongly than mine.

Friends in the US, enjoy your Monday off, and take a moment to reflect on why you’re maybe sleeping late.  Friends from around the world, thanks for hanging in here with me.  It’s hard to keep up, I get it.  Turns out this is post #200.  I feel like this post both captures and under-represents me perfectly.  Happy bicentennial to me.  Or something.

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15 thoughts on “Awake And Alone

  1. Caleb. Ha ha! I am dying. His buddy Sir Isaac Newton is licking the dishes in the sink as I write this. And I just ate some “reduced sugar” ice cream that probably contains more artificial sweaters than most intake in a year. We make a good pair. β€πŸ’›XO

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  2. Wendy, I never want to add to your anguish and am often at a loss of what to say, especially regarding the semi-annual visits. So, if I ever say the wrong thing, please know that it stems from a heart full of compassion for you. Living with “The Disease” is the hardest task I have had to face to date – including consistent, unrelenting childhood abuse. How can I say this? It is not to minimize the trauma of being victimized by another human(?) being. Rather, it is because I cannot place an anchor of anger anywhere. (Years of therapy have helped me to understand the trauma of abuse, but there is no current, reliable therapy to help live with the ever-changing loss of muscle function. I don’t need to know how to cope. The chronically ill need to know how to function effectively with the neurotypical individual who is unaware of their lack of understanding. Sorry. Just got off on a mini-rant there for a minute.) “The Disease” forces me (and you) to look at life through a different lens, and what we see is not already pretty. Nevertheless, I have learned the value of time and friendship, the pleasure of breathing in the air rolling in with the waves of Lake Michigan, and in the connection that can be made from one stranger to the next because of “The Disease.”

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    • Never. You never add to any concern I have with MD. Quite the contrary–your experiences and perspective are much appreciated and valuable to me. I had probably a “normal” school experience, but it was torturous for me for many reasons. Kids are jerks. I’m not sure I’m equipped to parent either of my kids through high school–or even tomorrow!–but I will keep trying. I’ll keep failing too, but there will be victories I’ll have to latch onto. MD is a jerk too, and the full range of what it’s got planned for my kid is scary to consider. I hope he learns to appreciate the little things, because really, they’re the big things, aren’t they? By the way, rant away! I’m all about keepin’ it real, and you have a forum for that here. Always.

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  3. This may be a wee bit of an over-statement but progressive (think bi-focal) contact lenses are life changing. No need to carry around pesky reading glasses and you’ll apply your makeup as if your eyes were 20 years younger! As an added bonus you won’t need the big font on your cell phone. Not that you’re there yet…

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  4. Accessibility font? Oh yes. Screen as bright as the sun? Oh, I’m there. Been there for awhile already! My first pair of glasses were progressives, and my first contacts were a super fun treat to try to coordinate–astigmatism is such fun. And to think, I went in the eye appointment absolutely certain they’d tell me I just needed readers. . . I didn’t see anything for most of my life! If anything, you’re underselling! πŸ™‚

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  5. One of my favorite songs by the Barenaked Ladies, Wendy, is “The Old Apartment”; there’s something so wistful and emotionally honest about it. Anyone who’s every lived someplace special but doesn’t live there anymore knows exactly what it feels like to walk by the house you once called home, to know your friends and family aren’t in there, and to long for those special times gone by.

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