I’ll grant that I am nowhere near as funny as I think I am, but every so often I do pull one out. I’m not not funny anyway, as I hope to demonstrate via these text snippets. Lacking a new sassy or angry rant to scribe today, I’ll stand instead on history here.
Upon receiving the perfect greeting card from a dear friend in the good ol’ US Mail.
Upon viewing a fellow employee’s computer screen
Upon studying Alex Trebek’s condescending tone for next year’s stint as MacGyver! The Speech-Language Game Show host. Cannot WAIT for the 2019 episode come February!
Upon recollecting an especially unfortunate road trip sleepover with a roommate I lacked a real connection with.
Upon realizing that good-byes aren’t, in fact, always bittersweet. And upon realizing that I possess a little certain something for overstating things when I feel ornery.
Upon realizing that Beyoncé, our workplace chicken, isn’t the weirdest office mascot in the district.
Sometimes I just say stuff at work.
Conversing frustratedly that the district no longer gives raises and speech-language pathologists can get jobs literally ANYWHERE due to the high demand in our profession. Nobody cares though, because you know, budgets.
Did you know that mock chicken legs are a thing in Wisconsin? They’re the pinnacle of hot lunch haute cuisine, and it is NOT hyperbole to say that a whoop goes up around the city on Mock Chicken Leg Thursdays.
Sometimes emojis really do say it all.
And sometimes text messages really do say it all.
My brother’s family is considerably less chaotic than he originally believed it to be.
Seriously WTF. The WTF-est. In his minivan.
May I introduce you to my dog, Caleb?
I’ll take hilarious movie quotes for $600, Alex.
Hilarious movie quotes for $800. . .
I’m either waaaaay too old or uncouth to decipher this one. Anyone, anyone??
On being self-actualized.
When you think you know more about your favorite band than the band knows about themselves.
If there’d been a contest for shoes alone, my husband would’ve brought home the gold medal, yo.
When your best friend says she loves getting stream-of-consciousness voicemail from me, what she really does is provide a baseline for a goal to which I shall strive to achieve. To overachieve. Sorry about misspelling “sometimes.” Shoot.
I totally am.