My Life In Texts

I’ll grant that I am nowhere near as funny as I think I am, but every so often I do pull one out.  I’m not not funny anyway, as I hope to demonstrate via these text snippets.  Lacking a new sassy or angry rant to scribe today, I’ll stand instead on history here.

Upon receiving the perfect greeting card from a dear friend in the good ol’ US Mail.

Upon viewing a fellow employee’s computer screen

Upon studying Alex Trebek’s condescending tone for next year’s stint as MacGyver! The Speech-Language Game Show host.  Cannot WAIT for the 2019 episode come February!

Upon recollecting an especially unfortunate road trip sleepover with a roommate I lacked a real connection with.

Upon realizing that good-byes aren’t, in fact, always bittersweet.  And upon realizing that I possess a little certain something for overstating things when I feel ornery.

Upon realizing that Beyoncé, our workplace chicken, isn’t the weirdest office mascot in the district.

Sometimes I just say stuff at work.

Conversing frustratedly that the district no longer gives raises and speech-language pathologists can get jobs literally ANYWHERE due to the high demand in our profession.  Nobody cares though, because you know, budgets.

Did you know that mock chicken legs are a thing in Wisconsin?  They’re the pinnacle of hot lunch haute cuisine, and it is NOT hyperbole to say that a whoop goes up around the city on Mock Chicken Leg Thursdays.

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Sometimes emojis really do say it all.

And sometimes text messages really do say it all.

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My brother’s family is considerably less chaotic than he originally believed it to be.

Seriously WTF. The WTF-est. In his minivan.

May I introduce you to my dog, Caleb?

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I’ll take hilarious movie quotes for $600, Alex.

Hilarious movie quotes for $800. . .

I’m either waaaaay too old or uncouth to decipher this one.  Anyone, anyone??

On being self-actualized.

When you think you know more about your favorite band than the band knows about themselves.

If there’d been a contest for shoes alone, my husband would’ve brought home the gold medal, yo.

When your best friend says she loves getting stream-of-consciousness voicemail from me, what she really does is provide a baseline for a goal to which I shall strive to achieve.  To overachieve.  Sorry about misspelling “sometimes.”  Shoot.

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I totally am.

9 thoughts on “My Life In Texts

  1. Ahhhhh…yeah. You are. My stomach still hurts from the last laugh fest (which, rather unfortunately, took place over a phone call while I was driving in traffic — hands-free people, calm down!)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pingback: You’ve Got Mail, Caleb | Greater Than Gravity

  3. Pingback: My Life In Texts, Vol. 2.0 | Greater Than Gravity

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