You’ve Got Mail, Caleb

We spent Easter weekend in Kansas City, celebrating the wedding of our beautiful Chelsea, my brother’s stepdaughter, to all around good guy, Lonnie.  Each of those twenty-two hours in transit was worth every minute of the big weekend in KC.  The rooftop ceremony was a dream, a chilly, wind-that-knocks-you-around dream, sure, and the reception provided more fun than a woman my age should be allowed.  Oh yeah, you bet I sang Don’t Stop Believin’ and You’re The One That I Want with carefully choreographed, killer dance moves.  And yeah, that last sentence is entirely true.

I enjoy exploring cities on foot.  You catch things you wouldn’t get or take the time to appreciate passing by in your car.  We encountered this amazing storefront window along our walk to the rehearsal dinner, and we scored some fantastic pizza on our way home from a hole-in-the-wall place we’d not have spotted otherwise.

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.  Bathed in stunning blue, I had to snap this pic.

But this post isn’t about our weekend wedding in Kansas City.  Chelsea writes her own blog, in which I am sure she will detail their “I promise to say yes” wedding.  In my little blog, I am going to tell you about the funhouse type horror that awaited us upon our return.

During our time away, Caleb, our four legged friend of infamy, was left in the care of our neighbor, Jodi.  The dog was livin’ the life at our neighbor’s house.  A few times a day, Jodi would send us a photo of Caleb’s oh-so-stressful time away from his beloved pack.  Ha!  I wasn’t sure he’d ever want to come home.  Spoiled is one word for how well she cared for him; moving in and taking over may be closer to the truth of his stay.

We get home, and Jodi mentions to my husband that she noticed Caleb had been “licking himself” a lot.  Yeah.  We’re forced to check out Caleb’s nether region, and sure enough, his junk was a little red and inflamed.  We make an appointment with the vet for Monday afternoon, and figure maybe it’s a being away from home anxiety thing or maybe it’s just a little scratch that he won’t let be.  We’re prepared for the cone of shame and a 10-day run of antibiotics.  We were NOT prepared for this:  “Your dog has a penis infection.”

My dog has a penis infection.

Antibiotics were prescribed as anticipated, but the cone was not.  No, to our horror, we learned a more invasive procedure was required to optimally treat the infection.  We were directed to to insert a liquid medicinal solution.  INSERT, via syringe, a liquid.  INTO his penis.  And when you think you’re already gonna die a thousand deaths, you not only have to insert the liquid, but also massage it around the area before flushing it out.

The vet looks at Tom and me, asking “Do you guys think you can do this?”

I’m like, “Nope.”

Vet: “Well, it will improve the likelihood that it’ll clear if you give both the antibiotics and flush his penis directly.”

Me: Sigh.  Shit.  “OK.”  Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Giggle uncomfortably. Shit. Giggle some more.

We’re prescribed and purchase the two meds.  Our vet directs us to dilute the solution into a gallon of distilled water, so after dropping Caleb at home, we head to the grocery store.  On our way in, I look at Tom, and together we marvel at the rich pageant we call the life we’ve built together, which now includes a dog whose penis we need to massage.  Well, HE needs to massage.  Obviously.  I mean, he has similar pieces and parts, right?

As we’re entering Pick ‘n Save, I say to Tom in mock conversation, “Oh, so what did you guys do last night?  Oh us?  You know, the usual.  Did a little grocery shopping to pick up some special water to help us jack off our dog for the next ten days.”  And because I am at times (all right, most times) extremely adolescent-like in my sense of absurdity, I laugh so hard I snort.  I laughed like an idiot traipsing across the first five or six aisles.

Next afternoon, I text my friend Kathie, who is Caleb’s mother-in-law.  Kathie’s daughter has determined that their dog, Nala, and Caleb are an item.

Kathie was a little disappointed that this text exchange didn’t make my previous My Life In Texts post, but I assured her that these few texts warranted a post all their own.  And here we are.

Days later, an envelope arrives via US Mail.  There’s no return address, but I’m 99% sure I know who mailed it before I even open it.  Yep.  Nala sent her boyfriend a get well card:

Dear Caleb,

Sorry to hear the bad news about your penis.  Wishing you well & hoping to see you soon.

All my love always,


PS–Do tell me if this is something that I need to worry about.

I couldn’t breathe.  Kathie’s husband got pretty creative and sassy, and I wonder why we don’t spend more time with them because Kathie and Dan are MY KIND OF PEOPLE!

PS–Some dogs never recover from this infection.  Despite medical interventions, it may be that my super special pound puppy has this burden to bear for the rest of his days.  This is my life, people.  Don’t be jealous.



26 thoughts on “You’ve Got Mail, Caleb

    • Hey Stef–I’m glad I could make you laugh! Hopefully the rest of your family doesn’t hold it against me. . . If not for laughing at this ridiculousness, I’m not sure what else there is to do!! Thanks for checking in!


  1. I know it may sound just awful and I know it would be so hard for me to do anything like that but this past summer our little kitty, Mr. Louie got sick and after a day and a half he started circling the drain. It was the 4th of July so we had to go to an emergency animal hospital…The told me he had a blockage in his urethra and he would have to be put down. He was only was only a year old. It was so hard losing him. We are basically dog people but we love animals and our dogs, especially Miss Bella was so sad after the loss. I hope you pup gets better. And I know, sometimes the things we have to do, well there are just no words to accurately describe it..Just be glad you have a plan to help him get better 🌼🌺🌼🌺🌼

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw, I’m sorry you lost your kitty. And I do know that our “care” for Caleb, however bizarre and cringe-worthy for us (even though we are theoretically adults!), is something we will do for as long as he needs it. He is the sweetest dog, and when we brought him home from the pound, we promised to take care of him for as long as he was ours. Thanks for visiting–I look forward to reading more of your blog too!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Holy crap Wendy! I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. Must say I’m super jealous… not! Caleb is one lucky pup! Here’s to never having to touch doggy junk again. 🤞🏼

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Sue! Someone telling me I’ve made them laugh is about the top compliment I feel I can receive. Even if it’s a the expense of my dog’s (not so) private parts. My fingers are crossed and I’m sure Tom’s are too, but I am NOT gonna touch them to find out! 😉


  3. Wendy ,
    Not only did I snort out loud but almost choked and blew a loogie as I read what you and Tom have to do for Caleb!!! I love how much you love… a Refuah Shelaymah (a full recovery) to him!! And I’ll be over with some needed medicinal shots for you guys!! Never a dull at the Weir homestead!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope a lot of men don’t read this. It could cause a “penis infection” epidemic…”Honey, I saw the doctor today. I’m gonna need my penis massaged everyday for the next month…”

    Liked by 1 person

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