A Jackson Pollock Thanksgiving

A friend and I exchanged text messages this week, each of us revealing trepidation regarding our preparations for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.  Every so often, if I do say so myself, I completely nail a text message, and on this one to her:  I nailed it.

Holidays are good, but not without challenge.  It’s OK to be anxious about that.  There’s always that expectation of the ideal Normal Rockwell family gathering.  Ours ends up being more like a Jackson Pollock painting.

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The idyll you envision your Thanksgiving table to be. . .

pollock-painting

A linear representation of MY Thanksgiving preparations.

Every year since I began telling my tale here, I’ve written a message of thanks and gratitude on/around Thanksgiving.  Though I’m struggling mightily these days, the show must go on.  I’ve left no trail of daisies and unicorns in my wake in 2019, but despite my, shall we call it “malaise,” it matters that I acknowledge the supporting cast and crew who make life a little sweeter and the spirit of Thanksgiving ring a little more true.  If I fail to offer up thanks to the enormous army of good friends, family, and even strangers who showed my family and me kindness and goodwill this year, I’ll regret it.  As I reviewed previous Thanksgiving posts, I was tickled to notice that many in my “I’m thankful for you” crew have stuck with me for years.  Boy, I thought 2015 was going to crush me, but 2019 makes 2015 seem like amateur hour.  I was less tickled to notice I was a better writer in each of 2016, 2017, and 2018.  I thought you’re supposed to get better with practice, right??  Lies.  I’ll just chalk this little slide up to 2019 too.

If you even so much as thought about me or my family in a positive light this year–thank you.  If you didn’t verbally express it or text it, email it, or snail mail it, but you so much as thought about us for one poof of an instant and wished us well–thank you.  I do believe my husband’s miraculous physical recovery is based in his own indomitable spirit bolstered by this type of support.

If you provided dinner for us or if you sent us a gift card for food after the accident, if you brought pie or ice cream–thank you.  You helped nourish our bellies and souls.

If you sent us or handed us money to help cover our bases this summer–thank you.  Prior to our life-altering May, I hadn’t really understood the tradition of slipping cash into a get well card or sympathy card.  Oh, terrifically humbled, I get it NOW, and we wouldn’t have bridged the summer gap without you.  It’s balance enough not getting paid all summer, but to have been docked several days’ pay while Tom’s income took something of a hit, felt insurmountable.  But you helped us climb and summit that hill.

If you visited Tom in the hospital or in our home at any point, and visiting us isn’t something you’d have otherwise normally done–thank you.  I vividly recall him propped up in that complex, behemoth hospital bed, affirming over and over to his visitors that he just wanted to get back to the old Tom Weir.  Before May, I was the type of person who believed that one’s hospital stay was an intensely private affair, and visiting was an intrusion beyond good grace.  My husband loved those brief though exhausting visits.

If you donated to our Muscular Dystrophy Association Muscle Walk this year–thank you.  I was unable to attend the event last June myself, but Team Greater Than Gravity pulled in almost $2700 to support kids like mine and adults with muscle disease.

If you offered assistance for household chores or if you maintained our yard all spring and summer long–thank you!  Yeah, that one’s a little specific, but short of monetary remuneration, how do you thank someone for landscape maintenance?

If you dedicated your band’s performance to my husband’s survival–thank you.  Sure, a little specific on this one too.

If you encountered a very sullen, scatter-brained, ornery, or quiet me and granted me a wide berth–thank you.

Another term I tossed in the text exchange with that same friend is “functional depression.”  I’m not sure I have that, or that functional depression is even a DSM-5 diagnostic code, but here’s my working definition: keeping your shit together in public and for work, because work, and seeking little company beyond the 9-to-5.  I’ve socialized little since the accident, almost none.  At first it was because my husband needed round-the-clock support and I quite literally couldn’t leave his side, and now it’s by my own design.  I participate in the mandatory–jury duty, work, my kids’ school activities, concerts, and games–and I look and mostly behave like a human, but I am not seeking company.  And right now I’m OK with that even if you’re not.  It’s not personal.  Actually, I suppose it is personal, but it’s truly an “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of deal.  It’s me.

Sure, my brain and my Thanksgiving table resemble a work from Pollock more than one of Rockwell’s slices of Americana, but we’re still here.  Messy and frazzled, but rolling out of bed to face each day.  Some days getting up and at ’em is the greatest victory.  Happy Thanksgiving, all!  May you find yourself surrounded by good food and great people!  And if you’re like me, shying away from the spotlight for now, may you be surrounded by good food and great people who accept your laying low.

 

3,564 Reasons You’re Incredible

You did it.  You helped our team hit our fundraising target for the 2018 MDA Muscle Walk.  Team Greater Than Gravity collected $3564 for the Muscular Dystrophy Association.  YOU DID THIS.

Muscle Walk Total

Your dollars are possibly sending several kids to summer camp.  Perhaps those dollars are helping fund a pharmaceutical lab assistant working toward a treatment, or maybe they’re helping a family fund a wheelchair or ventilator for their child.  I don’t get to direct precisely where the funds land, but I know that each and every dollar is well spent.

A dad, a mom, and I were invited to speak before the walk began Sunday, and you’d have to be some kind of stoic not to have a tear in your eye listening to those two parents speak about their children–how they knew something was wrong, and how long it took to determine just what that something was.  How it took years of effort and investigation to find the right medical professional to steer them toward, and then settle on that MD diagnosis–it was story not entirely unlike ours–MD is sneaky, and its variations so disparate.  There are some “common” or more “identifiable” subtypes, and there are also a slew of other subtypes not so clearly evident.  You know something isn’t quite right, but your “what is wrong?” compass doesn’t settle due north.

I didn’t share much of our story on the microphone because my son is fourteen, and it was horror enough to him that I was even up there.  Before I agreed to speak, I talked with my son, asking him if he would be OK with me up there and he agreed so long as I didn’t point him out or betray any privacy (or look at him while I was talking, or, or, or. . .), and out of respect for him, I did not say too much.  It got me to thinking that the lifespan of this blog was maybe nearing its sunset.  I probably wonder something like that every time I hit “publish” to be honest.  Writing these days is less about my boy with MD and more about my four-legged boy with a penis infection (the dog). My life!

I’m happy I can do the walk, raising awareness and money for an honorable cause, but I am glad it’s over.  I feel physically beat, and NOT because the walk was physically demanding.  I’m tired.  It’s an honor, an exhausting honor, to help support the MDA, but I think now I need a nap.  Does that sound lame?  Ungrateful?  Please know that it’s not ungrateful.  I can live with lame.  I’m a total weirdo on walk day, a fact to which anyone at the walk can attest.  Sorry guys.

This team is comprised of family members and friends I see routinely, friends from high school, work friends and colleagues who quietly surprise the hell out of me with their support here.  My crew contains anonymous donors, a former boss, a writer I’ve met blogging, parents of my son’s friends, my Barenaked Ladies ladies, and people I’ve never even met! I know you don’t donate to our team to read your name here in my goofball blog, but I would be remiss in not posting an honor roll.  It is truly my honor to know you, and that is true even if we haven’t met in real life.  Thank you.  There are a million organizations you could choose to lend your support, and somehow, when I ask, you choose mine.  There are no words to express what that means.

Ann Calverley, Sean Carlin, Bridget Panlener, Greg Amborn, Beth Sandmire, PJ Early, Alicia Kraucunas, Terry Radtke, Ginger Stapp, Amy Van Ells, Sue Wacker, Diane Piedt, Nicole Garza, Shelly Weisse, Lori Lepak, Patti Bohlman, Laurie Stilin, Jill Holmes, Stacy Skenandore, Chelsea Laub, Heidi Britz, Nikki Leininger, Michelle Sjoblom, John Weir, Bek Szypula, Rose Mary Walecki, Rhonda Weir, Bob Kosky, Amy Behrendt, Rene Damask, Gwen Evseichik, Jenna Stoll, Sally Warkaske, Janice Schwind, Jennifer Sanders, Steve Inman, Charlie Pozza, Valerie Hoehnke, Barb Berman, Kathy Gregorski, Maggie Palutsis, Julie Freyre, Chantal Van Uytfanck, Anonymous donors, Lisa Lien, Tracy Klement, Julie Smith, Heather Koll, Patti Sereno, Christine Carey, Shelly Boutet, Jodi Liebelt, Rebecca Halsey-Schmidt, Jane Mlenar, Ula Julien, Ann Kukowski, Mike Zyniecki, Anne & Bob Kosky, Todd Condroski, and Michele Nixon–you are the best of all the people ever.

I told the walk participants that the list of things I’d rather do than ask for money is long.  Really, really long.  And then I said that while I hated it, I’d continue to do it so that my child and others with muscle disease get the chance to go to camp, the chance not to be the only one.  I promised to continue showing up because showing up is the first step.  Thank you for showing up with me.

If you ever wonder if you are making a difference?  You are.